Monday, March 01, 2010

How I Found Out I Was Pregnant

Today I realized that I have never, ever written about finding out Baby C. was on the way. I haven't written it in any of my many journals, I haven't written it down on a word document, I haven't written it on here and I haven't even written it on a scratch sheet of paper.

We found out on this day.

I should also add that we found out really, really early.
So here I go:

Before getting married, Andrew and I decided that we were not going to have children for at least two years. If we waited for that long, he'd be graduated and admitted to grad school and I'd be graduated with a double major. We figured we'd either get pregnant right before we graduated or wait until we were settled in a new town. Since it was such a long way off, we didn't talk about children except for as foggy figures in the future.

Then things changed.

Out of nowhere, at the end of August, we both just knew we should have a baby. After several heart-racing discussions, we decided I'd go off birth control in September and just see what happened. I didn't want to stress about getting pregnant because I knew if I started worrying about it then the stress would consume my life.

Cue October. By the end of the month, I felt unearthly terrible. I fell asleep as soon as I came home, I didn't want to eat anything except Cafe Rio (how had it gotten sooo good?) and I spent every weekend migrating between the couch and the bed. I started to worry I was depressed since I couldn't bring myself to do anything except sleep. The first week of November, we decided we needed a break from regular life. We took a weekend trip to see his parents in Idaho. I didn't feel any better while we were there. I spent the whole weekend in Andrew's pajamas and sometime between Friday afternoon and Sunday morning, I became convinced I was pregnant.

Before church that Sunday, I told Andrew I wanted to go get a pregnancy test. I thought it would be too early to tell, but I felt so awful that if I wasn't pregnant I was going to go see a doctor as soon as we got home. He thought we should wait another week or two, so we went to church. I suggested leaving after the first meeting, but Andrew wanted to wait. After Sacrament Meeting we followed Andrew's dad to Sunday School. Five minutes in, we looked at each other and without saying anything, left the class. On the way out, Andrew whispered something to his dad about me being sick. My hands were sweaty.

We quietly walked to the car, Andrew opened my door and I put my head in my hands. Did I really want to take a pregnancy test? This was was dumb. I hadn't even missed a period yet. Andrew fidgeted the whole way to the store and I laughed nervously as we talked about other things. As we walked through the store, we held hands tightly and I insisted that I was not going to buy an off brand pregnancy test. We bought it and drove back to his parents' house.

When I took it, my hands were shaking. I knew I was pregnant- what would happen if I wasn't pregnant? I felt like an idiot and my pulse raced so hard I wasn't even sure I took the test right. I set it down and ran upstairs to where Andrew was eating. He smiled. I made a face. After a few minutes, we walked downstairs together and I walked into the bathroom by myself.

There was only one line.

I felt like crying. I felt relieved. I was shocked- three minutes before I knew I was pregnant. I tried not to cry- we weren't really trying to get pregnant, we just weren't preventing, right? I knew Andrew wanted the answer to be yes so badly he could barely stand it. I swallowed tears, braced myself, walked out with the test in hand, bravely said "I am not pregnant" and handed him the test. He hunched over it, looking at the sad, lonely line. I looked again.

"Do you see that?" I asked.


"That... is that a line?" I asked pointing to a barely-there faint pink line.

Andrew looked at the test, then at me, then back at the test.

"Did it malfunction?" he asked.

"Wouldn't it be a bold pink line?"

We picked up the instructions that were lying on the bed. We read where it said that the lines might not be the same color.

"But it's almost see through," I whined. I had never taken a pregnancy test before, how was I supposed to know they would be hard to read?

Andrew looked at me, completely bewildered. I picked up the phone and called one of the three people who knew we wanted to have a baby.

"Hi, Joy," I said, "I just took a pregnancy test and..."

She asked me to describe the line again.

"Congratulations, you're pregnant," she informed me and then started laughing.

"Really?" I asked her. Then I looked at Andrew, "She says I'm pregnant!"

Andrew just stood there, looking like I'd clubbed him.

After Joy explained pregnancy tests to me, my brother got on the phone, also laughing, to tell us congratulations. I got off the phone within two minutes.

Andrew and I sat on the bed holding hands. He grinned so big I thought his face would break.

"Wow," he said.
"Wow," I repeated.

The garage door opened a few minutes later. Andrew's parents were home. Within a couple of hours, all of our parents knew our news (and were sworn to secrecy). When we went to bed in our apartment that night, I cried that the test could have been wrong. I took another a few days later. The second line was a bold pink within ten seconds.