Saturday, July 10, 2010

I am a Mom.

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mother and now that my mothering days have started, I can't get over how natural it feels to be a mom.

I can look at this little face for hours without even thinking of anything else. When I close my eyes to get some precious and much-needed sleep, I think of how soft our little babe's skin is and often find myself picking him up just to smell him.

I am completely in love with our little boy.

When I posted Max's first picture and announced his birth date and time, I mentioned that his birth was not pretty. To put it candidly, Max's birth was the most horrifying experience of my life. When I first saw my baby, covered in blood and vernix, it did not even register that the little being before me was my son. Instead, I was concentrating on breathing through the pulling and pressure I was feeling behind a curtain, convinced that I was going to aspirate beneath my oxygen mask. I didn't have quite enough pain medication going into my C-section, but I had a wonderful anesthesiologist who kept shooting icy medication through my spine every time he thought I needed it. When I told him I thought I was going to pass out, he told me to think of it as falling asleep and encouraged me to do so since I was in so much pain. I was determined to stay awake, however, and silently cried as they patched me together after Max and Mr. C. left the room.

After they finished with me and moved me into a new room, I sobbed. I was mortified I hadn't (in my mind, at that second) actually given birth. I hurt from the surgery, the drugs, and the shock that I'd had to have an emergency C-section. Of all the people I've known that have had terrible birth experiences, I'd never known anyone who'd had to have a C-section performed last minute and I could not believe it had happened to me. Then, Max came in the room and all my fears melted away. I took my first real look at my baby boy and my heart flooded in a way I didn't know was possible. Mr. C. took him out of his bassinet, I unwrapped his blanket, put him on my chest to nurse him, and that was all it took: I was smitten.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that though I didn't have an ideal pregnancy or birth, it doesn't matter. It has no influence over what kind of mother I'll be, except for the fact that I've pushed myself into almost full recovery (health-wise, not body image wise!) barely a week after giving birth- something unheard of after a C-section, whether planned or emergency. I just feel so lucky that, after a really rough two months, I have a happy, healthy baby boy who has made my life that much more wonderful.

Having a baby, even though he's barely a week old, has brought such perspective to my life. Though I am more tired than I ever thought possible, I stay awake just to watch him in his sleep. I feel closer to my family. The gospel holds a more tender place in my heart, even though I've held it dear for my entire life. I never imagined I could feel how I feel now and these emotions would not be possible if Max were not a part of our lives.

And how I feel about Mr. C.?

As much as he killed me before, I am twice as in love with this man as I was two weeks ago. Sure, he sometimes frustrates me in the middle of the night when I can't wake him up to change a diaper and no, his habit of leaving his dress pants on the floor has not changed- but seeing him holding our baby is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen in my entire life. I love the way his eyes light up when he walks in from work and sees Max. I love hearing him sing Beatles songs to our son and I love listening to him prattle on when he thinks I'm not listening, telling Max about the important things in life like the Denver Nuggets and how to make smoldering eyes at baby girls. I love how our kisses seem to mean even more than they did before since we now not only have each other, but have a little baby that we created- someone we'll love and cherish for the rest of our lives.

I am so happy and I am so tired and I am so in love with my two Mr. C's.