I'm not going to lie.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't gone to that ward party on January 23rd, 2009. I wonder if Andrew Chandler ever would have worked up the courage to talk to me and I wonder if I would have taken the time to listen to him in any other time or place. Sometimes I wonder how happy I would have been if I had gone on the summer Study Abroad to Rome and Greece that I had started paying for, if I had been able to work in a Russian orphanage, if I had been able to work for Teach for America, and if I had been accepted into a creative writing masters program.
But those are just fleeting thoughts.
Sometimes, meaning most of the time, I can't believe that this is really my life. The first time I talked to Andrew, an entire world was opened before me, one that I never imagined could actually exist. And now that we have a baby and our lives are completely unplanned yet completely solidified by the fact that we will always be together, I sometimes wonder how I ever could have thought my life could have gone in any other direction.
When I was twelve years old, I was so shy I wouldn't order my food in restaurants. Instead, I'd hide behind my mom or dad and mumble at the waiter, making myself much more embarrassed than ordering food should ever be for anyone. I slowly worked through my shyness and by the time I was out of high school, I didn't feel shy in the slightest. Then I got married and felt a little lost. I reverted back to being shy. It's not like I was lost in an unhappy way, but I was so in love and so distracted by being in love that it was almost as if I forgot how to communicate with anyone other than Andrew. It wasn't that I didn't want friends, but I didn't know how to make them. I still feel the same way. There's a few girls I know- one in particular- that I know I could be incredibly good friends with, but I feel like I did when I was twelve years old not wanting to order my food. How do you make friends when you're barely 24 and married with a baby? It's a phenomenon I have yet to figure out.
And then there's school, which used to be my favorite thing but is now the bane of my existence. When I dropped my English major, it felt like I dropped school entirely. I know I need to finish school, but research doesn't have the same appeal when you have to do it while balancing a baby or searching out a sitter for the baby. It also doesn't do any good to try to study when the baby screams because if you're me, you'll pick the baby up until he stops. And the truth is, nothing makes me happier than rocking my little man, scrubbing the kitchen counters, or just sitting with my husband. Call me an anti-feminist, but I just love the traditional role of wife and mother. It suits me and I love being both, despite the fact that I used to have all sorts of save-the-world aspirations.
Basically, this whole post could be summed up like this: I am completely fulfilled in my role as a wife and a mother. It makes me so happy to be these two things that I feel like I don't need anything else, though it would be nice to have a few close friends in Provo. Also, I wish someone would just hand me a diploma and say "You are done".