Tuesday, June 07, 2011

How to Make Your Niece a Chalkboard in Nine Easy Steps

Step One:
Pick up a frame. Make sure that it's at least half off because large frames are like bi-weekly grocery bills: Scary.

Step Two:
Model your newly acquired frame as awkwardly as possible while squinting into the sun as your tweve-year-old brother sighs loudly because he would rather be playing football instead of taking pictures of you and your makeup free face. Sneeze in response to his sigh.


Step Three:
Spray paint the frame outside, on the grass, as your next door neighbor mows their lawn. Make sure you "accidently" paint as much grass as possible so that everyone who walks, rides, or drives past your yard will know that someone crafty lives nearby.

Step Four:
Accidently spray paint a bug, giving him a purple death. Wipe the bug off the frame and make a big mess. Go to the store to look for gems to cover up the mess you just made. Watch Little Women as you glue the gems down. (Which March sister are you? I am Jo. Basically we are the same person except I am real and she is fictional. Also, I never would have shot Laurie down because I love him.)


Step Five:
Decide to paint the frame's glass, even though it's not porous. Watch in slow motion as your husband breaks the glass when he tries to take it out of the frame for you because you've been busy sleeping. Accidently delete most of the pictures you've taken for your project when looking at them on the camera.

Step Six:
Decide to buy a piece of wood to put inside the frame you're now emotionally attached to. Have it sized down at the store, bring it home, and realize that the store's lumberjack didn't cut your wood in a straight line. Curse as you try to make it fit anyway. Paint the board, even though it doesn't fit.

Step Seven:
Buy sandpaper thirty minutes before your niece's birthday party. Watch as your husband sands down the board in the park's parking lot.


Step Eight:
Write a "Happy Birthday!" message on the board because you've already gone to the store three times (okay, four, since you had to buy the chalk and chalk holder) for one present and you forgot to buy a card. Take photographs.


Step Nine:
Smile when your niece looks at the chalkboard, scratches it violently with chalk, and then moves on to her next present. Tell your niece "Happy Birthday!" again and try to hug her, even though all she wants to do is open more presents.


Step Nine Part B:
Smile again because she is four, and you love her.