Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Expectations

love
love
love
love

So! The truth is that I never expected to marry someone from Colorado. I never expected to marry someone who wanted to be a professor and I definitely never expected to marry someone who's writing his master's thesis on hate crimes and the KKK. I never expected to have a baby in a one bedroom apartment and I didn't expect to turn our living room into our bedroom once our baby hit six months and needed a place of his own. I never expected that I would stop wearing heels every day. I never expected to cut my hair short right after I got married. I never expected to have more than 18 months between my first two children and I really, really never expected that I would make that choice voluntarily. I never expected that I would end up photographing weddings. I never expected that I would have family that lived in four different continents. I never expected that I would feel borderline crazy and so frazzled that my hair felt like it was sticking straight up from static electricity on normal mommy-and-me days and I never expected that I would live in Arkansas. I also never expected that I would forget how to play the piano, forget when the last time I plucked my eyebrows was, and that I'd earn the nickname "Little Raincloud" from my husband whenever I'm being grouchy.

But! The other truth is that I did always expect that, if I did decide to get married, I would marry someone who loved me in and out and through and through for the spitfire romantic that I am. I did expect that, if I had a baby boy, I would name him Max. I did expect that I'd make a living taking photographs. I did expect that I would move out of Utah once I finished school. I did expect that I'd have an engagement ring almost exactly like the one that my husband gave me. I did expect that I would always be bad about taking off my fingernail polish. I did expect that I would always ignore my laundry until it was a hovering mess of death waiting to be tackled. I did expect that my family would start out poor and happy. I did expect that I'd own hundreds of books and write hundreds of words and have experiences that I never could have dreamed of until they were already in motion.

And the biggest truth? I've been taking a lot for granted lately. There's such a thin line between the person I am and the person I want to be and the person I always expected I would be. I don't expect perfection, but I've been at a stalemate with myself lately. But! The good news is that, when you find yourself at a stalemate, there's two options: Call it quits or look around and create something better than before.

And me? I want to make my life spectacular.
Spectacular with a side of fireworks.