Monday, January 30, 2012

Today.

September
[Me and Max in late September.]

Today, I have spent my whole day reading The Paris Wife and staring.

Staring at the wall. Staring at my phone. Staring at the computer screen. Staring at nothing. Staring at Max as he runs back and forth and his little legs jiggle. Staring while trying not to fall asleep. Staring while trying not to stare. Staring. Staring. Staring.

I have been killing myself lately. Like, I am extremely tired, I keep forgetting to eat, and I constantly obsess about what else I can do to expand my business and the fact that I want another baby so bad I can hardly stand it. And, while I'm doing these things, I constantly put up my own road blocks. Like, I can't network with that person because they're too successful. Or I'm a bad photographer because, even though I only decided in December (last month!) that I was going to expand into weddings more consistently rather than just take them as they came, I have only booked seven weddings for this year (ps it's January). And as for baby road blocks? We don't have insurance. We have student loans to pay off. Andrew and I barely see each other as it is. I am tired. Andrew is tired. Max is in his terrible twos. We're already having our first two kids farther apart than we envisioned. We only have a two door car and yadda yadda yadda.

It's all very mature and grown up.

And so, a little after Max woke up from his nap this afternoon, I went in our bedroom to sort laundry and, a few minutes later, looked down at my feet to see Max pulling out one of our pillows to lay his little head down on. He looked at me and smiled and I dropped on the floor next to him and we started laughing at each other. I had a hair in front of my face and my little boy stood up, brushed the hair away from my eyes, laid back on his pillow and we laughed for the next three minutes, his little green pacifier shaking the whole time.

And I don't know everything. I don't know how things are going to turn out for us. I don't know when we'll have our second child. I don't even know when we'll have that "let's do this!" moment deciding we'll try for another child, but I know that Max will not be the only baby in our family. I don't know when my photography business will become the height of success I want it to be, but I know that I'm extremely determined and an extremely hard worker and that, even though I have a long ways to go, one day, the business will be as profitable as I want and need it to be. I know these things and I know that, without a lot of work, tears, late nights, (necessary) debt, and doubts, nothing would be worth the value it really is. Because when things comes easily, they're rarely appreciated to their full extent.

But most of all, I know that my little family will be okay, no matter what the future has coming for us. And, really, that's all I need to know.